How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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