dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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