really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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