I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
