i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
