Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
meet me or not, i'm out of control
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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