I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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