my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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