I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
