I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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