i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
