I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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