I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
