soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
