this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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