I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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