I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
