i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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