so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That accounts for only three of the penises
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
