Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
