so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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