when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
