I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
