Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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