Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
