I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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