so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.