Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
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I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.