New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...