i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.