Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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