Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
