not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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