you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
