I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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