I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
