Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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