I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
