I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
