I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
