i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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