my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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