My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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