I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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