I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
nutella sex= disaster
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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