If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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