He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We were destined to go to rehab together
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
