Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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