You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ugly people sure do ruin things
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
