apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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