You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
