You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
