why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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