he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
