I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
