sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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