i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
