i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
