the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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