Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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