i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
